The scene opens up to a detective agency.  BIRD and BYRDE are leaning back in a chair, sipping coffee.

BIRD (Internal Monologue)- What makes crime so favorable?  Is it the money?  Is it the infamy of it all? Is the science of it all?  Is it how beautifully it can be done until it turns into an art?  Or is it something more?  

Cut to a case being opened up and precious jewels taken out as alarms go off deep in the dead of night.  The person looks around and runs off, all without seeing his face.  Cut back to BIRD and BYRDE.

BIRD (Continuing his IM)- But with darkness, comes the light.  With crime there comes punishment.  With chaos comes order.  That is nature’s way.  And my partner and I are the enforcers of the law, and of nature because we are…

Cut to the opening.

BYRDE’S EYE VIEW
Private Eye

Chicken clucks with dramatic music

Case One: Byrdes of a Feather

BIRD- It was an ordinary day for two PIs.  Not much to do.  Not much to see.  I was alone-

BYRDE- Hey, you are not alone!!  And stop narrating our day, that’s why you’re scaring all of our customers away!!

BIRD (Looking angry)- Hey, I am not scaring off all of our customers!  They’re terrified because YOU’RE pink!!

BYRDE opens his mouth to retort when a shadow is seen in the doorway and knocks.  The two detectives look professional again.

BYRDE (Calling out)- We’re here.

The door opens up to a man looking disturbed and in grief.  He looks like a businessman who would have a lot to lose.  He steps inside and closes the door, pulling on an indifferent mask as he walks further into the office and sits down on one of the two chairs before the desk.

BIRD (IM)- I could tell that this would end bad.  This man was “Big Mike” Donachelli, a Don in the mob, but no one could connect it back to him.  He was good.  A little too good for my tastes.  Guys like him had a lot to lose and would do anything to keep things hushed.

BYRDE- So, what can we do for you, Mister Donachelli?

DONACHELLI- I have a… little problem that only two detectives such as yourselves can fix.  You see, late last night, I was robbed; some two million dollars worth of emeralds and gold were… carried off.

BIRD (Looks confused)- Carried off?

DONACHELLI- That’s correct, Mister Bird.  Carried off.  As in, spirited away by a ghost.  Meaning that my guys couldn’t find anything at the scene.  Meaning that the cops couldn’t find anything either.  Meaning I need you two to find the necklace for my daughter, or else you’ll be dead birds, capiche? (His hand reaches inside his jacket, as if to pull out a gun.)

Both BYRDE and BIRD start and nod frantically.  Donachelli nods in satisfaction, stands and pulls out a wad of cash, before tossing it onto the desk and leaving, slamming the door behind him.  BIRD and BYRDE look at each other and sigh heavily before the scene fades.

END SCENE


The next scene opens up to a police office.  BIRD and BYRDE are sitting in front of the CHIEF in a private office.  The POLICE OFFICER is a cold, shrewd man, who clearly dislikes the two PIs.

CHIEF- I’m sorry Mister Bird and Mister Byrde, I can’t give you what you requested.

BYRDE- Aww, come on Chief!!  We’re trying to solve the case as much as you are!!

BIRD- Yeah Chief, we just need something.  Case file, evidence sheet, the address where the crime happened for gosh’s sake!!

CHIEF (Frowns heavily and looks about contemplatively.  The birds stare at him eagerly.)- Alright, you’ve got yourself a case file.

The scene cuts to the private eyes walking out of the police station with a small file folder.

BIRD- This… isn’t much… no fingerprints, no alarms until the case was open, it was like a ghost took it!!

BYRDE- Well, we still have one lead, to check out the scene of the crime.

Scene cuts again to a sparsely decorated room.  In the middle, there is a pedestal with a case on it.  The case has remained undisturbed since the police investigation, which means that the case is open, showing that nothing is in it.  BIRD and BYRDE step inside the room.  BIRD pulls off his glasses dramatically.

BYRDE (Looks up to his partner)-Here too, buddy.

BIRD pulls off BYRDE’s glasses dramatically before examining the room.  Pan camera to the door way, where a girl watches the two detectives before piping up, startling them.

ANGELINA- You won’t find anything.

The detectives whip around and relax when they see the woman.

BYRDE (Looks up to BIRD)- Hey, isn’t she Donachelli’s little girl?

BIRD- Don’t be rude, she’s standing right in front of us!!  Why don’t you ask her?

ANGELINA (Giggles)- Oh, how cute, you have a puppet.  Tell me, do you rent yourself out to children’s birthday parties when you aren’t busy solving cases, Mister Bird?

BIRD- Hey!!  My partner is not a puppet!! (Gets angry)

ANGELINA (Giggles again and turns)- Oh? (Walks off)

BYRDE (Mumbling)- I am not a puppet….

BIRD looks down to his partner and looks contemplative.

BYRDE- Oh come on!! I am not a puppet, no more than you are!!

BIRD- I dunno… I mean, you have been following me everywhere…

BYRDE (Sighs and looks away)- Fine, believe her and not me, partner.  But at least be professional enough to finish this case before you start thinking that I’m a puppet.

BIRD- Well, you kinda are on the end of my arm instead of my hand and-

BYRDE- JUST SHUT UP!!  SHUT UP SHUT IT SHUT UP!!!

BIRD- Alright…

BYRDE- Let’s just get this over wi- hey, what’s that?

BYRDE sees something in a far corner.  BIRD walks over and picks it up.  It’s a gold coin with a skull and bones on both sides.

BIRD- W-w-what’s this?  Is it some kind of weird calling card that thieves use?

BYRDE- Only one way to find out.

The scene cuts once again to the police station, once again in the office of the CHIEF.

CHIEF (Turning the coin over in his hand)- Yeah, I’ve seen this.  This is used by the Guild of Luberia or just GOL for short.  Seems like the necklace was their target.  But how did you see this when two sets of people had combed over the place?

BYRDE- Seems to me that either we were extremely lucky or both sets of people are idiots.

BIRD looks down at his partner and frowns.  BYRDE looks up at his partner and frowns as well.  The CHIEF looks uncomfortable.

CHIEF- Something going on between you two birds?

They look away back to the CHIEF.

Both- No, nothing.

They look at each other, then away again.

CHIEF- Ummm… don’t you two want to know more about the GOL?

BIRD (Jerking his head up like he had been in a trance)- Huh?  Oh, yeah.  That would help.

BIRD (IM)- This was bad.  I was fighting with my best friend since I was a kid.  I was in a case with a stolen necklace and one disgruntled mob boss paying for my salary.  I had to do something soon, or else my life and friendship were forfeit, and personally, I liked my skin where it was.

CHIEF- Bird, snap out of it.  Your starting off into space and it won’t help you solve this case!

BIRD- Right Chief.

CHIEF- And Byrde, whatever the heck happened between you and Bird, make up, okay?  Donachelli’s a dangerous man to tick off.

BYRDE- Yes Chief.

CHIEF- NOW!!!  GO!!  Finish the case for me so I don’t have to do it. (Waves the two off.)  Oh, and you might want to check out this… (He looks at the case files again) A Sheldon von Dǽth.  Seems that he’s the fiancé of Angelina.

BYRDE and BIRD- YES SIR!!

END SCENE

The scene starts again in the sparse room.  A tall, nervous man (John) looks about the room with wonder and awe.  It seems that he is an airhead.

BIRD- Mr. von Dǽth?  Mr. von Dǽth?  Excuse me, Mr. von Dǽth?

VON DǼTH continues to look around stupidly.

BYRDE- OI!!  YOU!!  SNAP OUT OF IT!!

VON DǼTH finally looks at the birds, startled.

VON DǼTH- Oh… I-I’m terribly sorry, did you say something?

BIRD takes one of BYRDE’S wings and smacks BYRDE in the forehead.

BYRDE- Thanks.

BIRD- No prob.  (To von Dǽth)- Yes, we were talking to you.  Or trying to at least.

VON DǼTH- Sorry about that.  I space out easily.  (Uneasy smile.)

The birds look unamused.  VON DǼTH laughs nervously again.

VON DǼTH- So, what brings you two here to me?

BIRD- We just need to clear up a few points with you.  (Opens up the case file with him in it.)  Your… Sheldon von Dǽth, right?

VON DǼTH- I liked to be called Shelly, but yes, I am.

BYRDE- And you’re the fiancé to Angelina Donachelli, right?

VON DǼTH- Right!!

BIRD- And where were you the night that the necklace was stolen?

VON DǼTH (Blinks and looks confused)- A necklace was stolen?

BIRD smacks his forehead and helps BYRDE smack his.  VON DǼTH simply smiles idiotically.

BYRDE- Thanks.  Again.

BIRD- Yes, Mr. von Dǽth-

VON DǼTH- Its just Shelly, Mr. Bird.

BIRD- Right.  A necklace was stolen late last night.  Where were you at that time?

VON DǼTH- I-I was asleep, like I always am late at night.  I even went to sleep early, cause I had done a hard day’s work that very day!! (Gets upset)

BIRD- Okay, okay, I get the point, just calm down.

BIRD leans down to BYRDE.

BIRD (Stage whisper)- He’s not the robber, lets try another person.

BYRDE (Stage whisper)- But he’s the only person that could have done it.  And what if he’s pretending?

VON DǼTH- A-ah, excuse me…?

BIRD- Have you seen how air headed this guy is?  He wouldn’t notice the broad side of a barn if it was staring him down in the face!

BYRDE- And what makes you think that he’s the only one who could have done it eh?

BIRD- He’s the only one that’s new around here!! (BIRD and BYRDE at this point aren’t trying to keep their voices down)

VON DǼTH- I… I can hear you, you know….

BYRDE- And why would he want to steal a necklace through convoluted means when he could have just snatched them and gone away clean?

BIRD- Have you seen how well-

DONACHELLI- Well secured this place is?  (From the doorway)

All three of the people in the room jump and turned to the doorway, where DONACHELLI was leaning against.

DONACHELLI- You detectives are being rude to my future son-in-law.

BIRD and BYRDE began to stammer apologies to DONACHELLI.  DONACHELLI just raises a hand.

DONACHELLI- Don’t apologize to me.  Apologize to him. (Points to VON DǼTH)

BIRD and BYRDE turn around and apologize halfheartedly to VON DǼTH.

VON DǼTH (Laughs lightly)- Its not a problem.  I just wish you didn’t suspect me for a crime I didn’t do!

BIRD- Well, at this point, we suspect everybody, Mr. von Dǽth.

VON DǼTH- Shelly.  Just call me Shelly.  It’s what Angel calls me.

BYRDE- Angel? (Prompting VON DǼTH to clarify)

VON DǼTH sighs wistfully and looks up into the heavens.

VON DǼTH- Angel… (Blanks out again)

The birds turn to DONACHELLI.  DONACHELLI shrugs.

DONACHELLI- Angel’s the nickname for my little girl, Angelina.

ANGELINA- What about me, Daddy?  (Appears behind DONACHELLI, smiling coyly.  She starts when she sees the detectives and smiles at them.)

ANGELINA- Hello, Mr. Entertainer.  Did you come to amuse my Shelly with your little birdy?

VON DǼTH (Comes to reality again and gasps in surprise and delight)- ANGEL!!

BIRD and DONACHELLI get out of the way as VON DǼTH runs to ANGELINA and holds her tightly.

DONACHELLI- Shall we step outside then, detectives?  It seems to me that this place is becoming a wee bit crowded for my tastes.

BIRD- That… would sound quite nice.

The scene cuts to the outside of the Donachelli manor.  DONACHELLI pulls out a cigar from his jacket and offers one to BIRD.  BIRD declines.  DONACHELLI makes the same offer to BYRDE and he accepts.  DONACHELLI chews slowly on the cigar.

DONACHELLI- So, I take it there were no leads.

BIRD- Not so far.  Not other than your daughter’s fiancé.

DONACHELLI- Why?  Why would he hurt my little girl?  That’s what I want to know.

BYRDE shrugs.  Or rather, BIRD moves BYRDE's shoulder so it looks like he's shrugging.

BYRDE- We don’t know much ourselves.  We’ll contact you when we do find out something.

BIRD (IM)- Why would anyone want to hurt Angelina Donachelli?  Would it be some sicko?  A former employee?  Or just some lovesick puppy who hurts only by mistake?

DONACHELLI- Oh, did you know that the wedding’s tomorrow?

BIRD and BYRDE- WHAT?!?

DONACHELLI- Yes, the wedding tomorrow.  And I need the necklace by then.

BIRD and BYRDE both began blabbering about how they needed more time.  DONACHELLI holds up a hand and they fall into silence.

DONACHELLI- If I do get it back by then, I will pay double the amount.  I have a fake, but… (He shrugs and spits into a nearby trashcan.)

The detectives look pensive and begin to whisper to each other.  They look up to DONACHELLI and smile.

BYRDE- We’ll find it.

BIRD- Bird’s honor (Holds up his hand that kind of looks like a wing.)

END SCENE

The scene opens up with BIRD and BYRDE in their office, with huge…. stacks of paper.  They both look depressed.

BIRD- This… is harder than I thought.

BYRDE- Tell me about it.

BIRD (Sits up suddenly)- Why did we promise anyway?!  It’s impossible to find this thing, and if we don’t find it by tomorrow, he’ll kill us!!

BYRDE- It all points back to von Dǽth, and he couldn’t have done it.

BIRD- If only we had concrete proof, like he was connected to the GOL, or if we found the necklace! (Sighs loudly).

BYRDE- If wishes were horses, we’d all have ranches.

BIRD- I though it went…  (Looks at BYRDE and sighs again)

BYRDE- Look, who cares, let’s just try and figure it out!!

The camera pans to a clock.  Fade to about 7 in the morning.  Pan again to BYRDE and BIRD sleeping on their desk, the huge… stacks of paper into littler… stacks of paper.  BIRD snores loudly and is startled awake when the phone rings beside him.  He picked up the phone, groggy and irritated.

BIRD- H-hello?

???- You waste your time detective.

BIRD- Who is this?  How did you get this number?!?

The person just laughed and hangs up.  BIRD hangs up as well and looks up at the clock.

BIRD- OH SHI-

BYRDE- Hey… whu happen’d…? (Sits up sleepily)

BIRD- No time for that my feathered friend.  We move!!  (BIRD races around the room, like a chicken with his head cut off.)

BYRDE- For the last time, I’m not feathered!!  And stop running around, your making me sick!!

BIRD (IM)- This was not good.  We hadn’t had found any leads, and the wedding was today.  Today!!  To make matters worse, death or a really handsome payment hung in the balance.  All over a silly necklace… A silly necklace…

BIRD stops his frantic rushing, looking dumbstruck.

BIRD- OF COURSE!!  WHY didn’t I see that?  (Smacks himself on the head and smiles.)

BYRDE- “And the potted plant thought, ‘Oh no.  Not again.’”

BIRD turns to BYRDE.

BIRD- What if we just buy a replacement necklace?  They won’t notice the difference!!

BYRDE- What are you, insane?!?  Of course they’ll notice the difference!!  These are mobsters we’re talking about, and they’ll notice!!

BIRD- And this is coming from the puppet that says an airhead stole the necklace.

BYRDE- GORRAMIT, I thought we were through with this mess!!

BIRD- Well, apparently not!!

BYRDE- Listen you, shelve it for now.  We will deal with it later, but right now, we need to find a necklace!

The phone rings again and both of them jump.  BIRD walks over to the phone and answers it.

BIRD- Hello?

CHIEF- Bird, just got a call from a local jewelry dealer.  Says he’s got a necklace that fits the description.  Got a couple of guys down there questioning the owner now.  We’ll get back to you when we know something.

BIRD- Thanks, Chief.

CHIEF- Take care of yourself Bird.  Strange things can happen to a detective while he’s on duty.

BIRD (Pauses for a minute, mulling it over.)- Thanks, Chief.  Promise I’ll get the info as soon as it comes?

CHIEF- You’ll be the third one to hear it.  After me and the boys of course.  (Laughs at his joke, but it has a nervous edge to it.)

BIRD hangs up and sighs, looking up at the clock.  The camera pans up to the clock again.  Fades to about a half hour later.  Camera pans down to BIRD, who was playing with a yo-yo when the phone rang again.  BIRD picks it up immediately.

BIRD- Byrde’s Eye View, where the birds watch the city.

??? (Giggles enthusiastically)- Oh, will you never cease to entertain me?  First a puppet and now a yo-yo!  (Gives a small squeal of delight.)  Ah, how wonderful you are, Mr. Bird.  But, ah, where are my manners?  I’m keeping you from… more pressing calls.  

The mystery person hangs up.  BIRD hangs up too and is startled when the phone rings again.  BYRDE looks about, apprehensive, then begins to look out the window as BIRD is heard in the background, talking to the CHIEF.  BIRD hangs up the phone and nods, satisfied.

BIRD- Well, I told you all along, it was von D-

BYRDE- Stop lying.  You didn’t believe me from the start.  Besides, you were right, it wasn’t von Dǽth.  It was Angel.

BIRD- What?  How do you know?

BYRDE turns to his partner and smiles.

BYRDE- There are a lot of things you see when you’re a bird.

The scene cuts to the sparse room again, this time EVERYONE is there.  DONACHELLI and ANGELINA look pissed.  VON DǼTH looks down at the ground so he can’t see ANGELINA.  BIRD looks at BYRDE, confused.  The CHIEF also looks confused, but look around instead of at BYRDE.  BYRDE looks smug… At least as smug that a puppet can be.

DONACHELLI- Why did you call us here detectives?  I’m a very busy man.

ANGELINA- And it’s my wedding!!

VON DǼTH- And I shouldn’t be here.  It’s bad luck to see your bride before a wedding.

CHIEF- And I have paper work to do.

BIRD (Holds up his hand in defense)- Don’t look at me, look at him.  (Points to BYRDE)

BYRDE- I figured out who did it.

EVERYONE looks at BYRDE expectantly.  BYRDE holds out for a bit more.

BYRDE- Partner, can you pace around dramatically for me?

BIRD sighs and does so.  Then BYRDE starts.

BYRDE- First, the case file.  I noticed that the alarms didn’t start until the necklace was in the process of being stolen.  Now, only two people had access codes to disarm the systems in place to stop would be thieves; Donachelli and his daughter.

DONACHELLI- And what’s you sayin’?  (Reaches into his jacket for his piece again.)

BYRDE-Easy there, Donachelli.  I’m not accusing anyone of anything.  Yet.  As I was saying, the only two people that could get inside were Donachelli and Angelia, but there was one other person that could get in there.  His name, Sheldon von Dǽth, more commonly known as Shelly.

VON DǼTH- But I didn’t do it…!!  (Looks about desperately.  ANGELINA says nothing, but looking worried.)

BYRDE- Peace von Dǽth, the best is yet to come.  (VON DǼTH calms down.)  Now, his alibi is rock solid.  The maids back up his story about sleeping all night.  But, they don’t have anything of Angelina.  As a matter of fact, some of the guards remember seeing her wandering around late at night, right around the time the would be robber would need to get in and steal the necklace.

ANGELINA- Oh yeah?  What about the guards?

BYRDE- What about the guards?  There were no guards posted outside, because of the security.

ANGELINA frowns at BYRDE.

BYRDE-There are also a few more incriminating facts.  Today, my partner received a mysterious phone call.  The person said, “Oh, will you never cease to entertain me?  First a puppet and now a yo-yo!”  You are the only person who mocks my friend and me by calling me a puppet.

ANGELINA looks worried.  She’s grinding her teeth now.

BYRDE- And there is a hotel across the street from us, which belongs to the Donachelli family.  Maids and security there has you there at around the time the call was made, in the very room that looks across the street from our office, the only place that you can see really well into our offices as a matter of fact.  The people who were staying in the hotel were even bribed by a “woman with long hair and big sunglasses.”

ANGELINA was starting slowly to the door, but the CHIEF blocked her escape route.

CHIEF- Miss Angelina Donachelli, your under arrest for the burglary of Big Mike Donachelli.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.  You have the right to an attorney.  If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed by the court.  (He steps to her, holding a pair of cuffs.)

ANGELINA- You… you can’t do this to me!!  Not on my wedding day!!

VON DǼTH- Yes, you can’t do this!!  Not to my fiancé!!  Not on our wedding day!!

CHIEF- I’m sorry sir, but I have to.  She’s under arrest.

VON DǼTH tackles the CHIEF, and they fall down.

VON DǼTH- ANGEL!!  RUN!!

DONACHELLI stares at his daughter dumbly as she ran, BIRD chasing her.  BYRDE slips off of BIRD’s hand as he follows her.  He finally caught up to her and tackled her in the middle of the reception.  People screamed and stepped away from them.

BIRD- I did it!!  I got her!!  Did you see that Byrde?  Byrde? (He looks to his hand and looks shaken that BYRDE isn’t there.  VON DǼTH and the CHIEF come in, VON DǼTH stumbling slightly because of the handcuffs.  The CHIEF also held the lifeless BYRDE.)

BIRD- BYRDE!!  Come here buddy!!  (He carefully kept his weight on ANGELINA as he reaches out to take BYRDE and slip it on his hand, aided by the CHIEF.  BYRDE moans.)

BYRDE- My head hurts… You need to be more careful, you crazy bird.

BIRD- Oh thank goodness, your alright!!  (He hugs BYRDE)

BYRDE- Alright… That’s enough… Okay… You can stop now…  Please stop…?

ANGELINA- Yes, stop, you’re hurting me, and that’s cruel and unusual punishment.  (She sounds resigned and irritated.)

BIRD gets off of ANGELINA and helps her to her feet.

BIRD- That’s burglary and resisting arrest, Miss Donachelli.  As for your fiancé, that’s aiding and abetting a criminal.  You two are going to do hard time.  Don’t worry though, I think you’ll only get a couple of years.

DONACHELLI walks into the room, looking dumbstruck.

DONACHELLI- Why?  Why Angel?  Why would you do something like this to me?  To the Donachelli family name?

ANGELINA- I never cared about the family name!!  I never cared about the money, the fame, the fortune, the glamour!!  I just wanted to spend time with you, to play ball with you, to get you away from all those people in suits.  I wanted you to be Dad, not some enigma that barely pays attention to me!  And now I have it.  I finally have it…  (She chuckles insanely as she’s led away.)

DONACHELLI- I… I had no idea… She just seemed so… happy without me…

VON DǼTH- She talked to me about it.  She wanted to tell you, but you always blew her off, telling her later, or not even responding at all.  It doesn’t help she’s terribly shy.  (He looks sad as he’s led away by the CHIEF.)

DONACHELLI sends everyone away.  Sits down and stares at his hands, looking pensive.  After a minute, he pulls out a cell phone.

DONACHELLI- Hello?  Yes, Mister Britoil?  I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel our appointments for quite some time now…

END SCENE

The scene opens up once again to the detective office.  The two are sipping coffee.

BIRD (IM)- Crime.  It happens to everyone, for a variety of reasons.  Some for attention, others for the money, some for the sheer pleasure of it.  And Miss Angela and her once husband?  Serving time.  Of course.  It would happen.  I knew it would.  But why do I have a feeling that I was in the wrong?  Like I was the one who used the necklace as a way to get at my father, instead of the one to find out that she had taken it?  It just doesn’t make any sense.

BYRDE- Are you still thinking about that case?

BIRD- Yeah.  I feel… horrible.

BYRDE- I know what you mean.

BIRD- It just seems… wrong… wrong that we arrested her.  That we took her shot at life.  At happiness.

BYRDE- Oh yeah.  And that von Dǽth guy?  Its like we pronounced him guilty ourselves.

BIRD- Just… gotta keep on moving.  ‘Nother case, ‘nother day.

They sit in silence.  Then, the phone rings.  BIRD picks up the phone.

BIRD- Byrde’s Eye View, where the birds watch the city.  (Dispassionately.)

???- Is this Mister Bird speaking?

BIRD- Yes…?

???- Oh thank goodness!!  I have some trouble, that only you can solve!!

BIRD- Hold on a second.  (BIRD held the phone to his chest and sighed heavily.)  Here we go again.

THE CURTAIN FALLS.